The bar is just set too high for women.
For International Women's Month, I want to tackle something that is very close to my heart: brides everywhere are being gaslit into feeling like they're "difficult" or "demanding", or a Bridezilla.
I do apologise in advance for the strict use of she/her pronouns. I don't mean to exclude anyone, but see this mostly aimed at people who present as women.
Let me roll back a little:
Last weekend, while I was at Upwaltham Barns for their open day, Lianna from To Have and to Hire, Hannah from Tawny Flower Studio, and I were having a little catch up.
As much as I love meeting all prospective couples at wedding showcases, for me the highlight is always catching up with other supplier friends. Specially those who I don't get to see on your wedding day. After all, both decorators and florists are long gone by the time your cake is delivered, even though they are instrumental in creating cake moments like the one above captured by Danni Beach.
So here we are, three women so obsessed with weddings that we have made them our whole career.
Of the three of us, I'm the eldest, and the only one with the shiny gold band on my ring finger. While I was in the process of planning my wedding, I would definitely have classed myself as a "difficult bride":
I had 3 wedding dress fittings, because I kept changing my mind about my shoes
At my flower trial, I was upset because the roses the florist had on show were pink rather than peach.
When I went for my mani-pedi, the nail tech was shocked that I wanted blue toes as my "something blue", and I didn't take that well.
Through all of this, I was never rude to my suppliers, but I know that I put them through a lot.
The thing is, planning a wedding is stressful.
So, let me tell you why it's completely unfair to call any bride a Bridezilla.
1. She's juggling a lot
If you've planned any sort of special occasion, you know what I mean. I'm planning my 30th at the moment, and between the food, the entertainment, and the travel, it's been quite a handful... and there's only 8 guests!
Now scale that up to 80 people... and you have yourself a full time job.
It's why wedding planning is a career path, and why a good wedding planner is worth their weight in gold.
Chances are that while your bride is panicking about her flowers being pink rather than peach (yes I know, that's me) she's also trying to remember exactly what shade her napkins are and whether she's got matching wedding invitations and has she scheduled her hair appointment yet and oh my god will the lipstick clash.
It's a lot to keep in mind, and honestly most of us aren't project managers used to coordinating 15+ suppliers for one event.
This leads me on nicely to...
2. It's the biggest day of her life
I think we can all agree that this is not necessarily true, but it's definitely something you hear all the time as a couple planning your wedding.
It'll be the best day of your life
It'll be perfect
You'll look back on it forever
That's a lot of pressure to put on one day, and consequently on the person planning that day.
For most of us as suppliers, we see more weddings than the average person. We're a little immune to the chaos of planning a wedding, even though the jitters never really go away.
Want to hear about my wedding?
It rained all day. My shoes and dress were ruined.
My mum misplaced the wedding bands
My sister's dress didn't fit
Our church didn't receive the correct paperwork and only let us know the Thursday before the Saturday wedding.
Our pianist called in sick at 6am on the day.
I always say it was a series of unfortunate events.
And it was perfect. I would do it all over again.
Yours will be too, because you're marrying your favourite person. But I won't pretend it's not stressful.
And often you don't have anyone helping you.
3. Grooms get gold stars for just existing
Now this one is a generalisation, but it's also not untrue: I see a lot more brides-only at consultations than I do brides-and-grooms. I know this is the same for a lot of my other supplier colleagues.
It's a little bit like once they've got down on one knee, the hard work is done.
Often, they don't get as much pressure to participate in the minutiae of wedding planning. I know my now-husband came to everything I asked him to, but in the end his response was the ever-infuriating "whatever you want, dear".
They mean well, but there's less pressure on grooms-to-be to participate in the decision making. You don't know how often I hear:
oh he's just not interested in the cake
cake's more my thing
this is my bridesmaid/mum because my partner isn't fussed.
I also hear a lot of "oh he doesn't get a choice", which is a double-edged sword. Ladies, if you want your man to get involved, give him a choice.
If his answer is "whatever you want" then you have my permission to plan your wedding with your bridesmaids instead!
4. Trusting someone to do their job is really hard.
I'm having my kitchen redone this April. It's not as stressful as planning a wedding, and I still have to coordinate a contractor, a plumber, an electrician, the kitchen delivery, and the removal process. And it took us 4 months to actually get the kitchen fitting booked in because finding good, reliable, steadfast suppliers is hard.
If my electrician canceled at 6am on the day, that would be pretty annoying, but I could probably find someone to replace him and do the work the following day. If your pianist cancels at 6am the day of your wedding for your 11am ceremony.. that's going to be harder to replace.
My poor pianist was unwell, and he did provide a substitute because wedding suppliers are superstars (we really do want your wedding to be perfect) but you get my point.
Now imagine trying to find 10, 15, 20 suppliers, whom you trust to deliver not only an excellent service but a seamless experience. It's not easy.
It's hard enough to find a good manicurist, or cleaner, or reliable tailor for your day to day life, without the added pressure of it being the best day of your life.
So, you are not a Bridezilla.
Bridezillas aren't real.
Even if you want to ask for a 4th consultation. Or if you decide to change your cake flavours with 2 weeks to go. You might have seen my reel about couples being entitled to have exactly what they want for their big day.
Are your suppliers allowed to charge you for the extra time they are dedicating to you? Definitely. But don't ever let anyone make you feel like your request for a high standard of work isn't justified.
You're under a lot of pressure. Good wedding suppliers are here to help.
So that's my March rant. If you're looking for a cake maker who will put this much energy into making sure you get exactly what you want, get in touch!